Level Up Your Confidence and Build Self-Esteem
One of the things I hear most often from clients when we start therapy is that they want to feel more confident and strengthen their self-esteem. It’s a worthy goal. Research tells us that people who are more confident get paid more, have greater influence, and garner more respect from others. But what is confidence? Confidence is a person’s belief in their own ability to meet life’s challenges and succeed. Self-esteem is a little different. It’s a person’s overall sense of worth and value as a human. Where self-esteem is more about liking who you are as a person, and confidence is more about believing you can be successful. I have some good news! Confidence and self-esteem are not fixed traits. These are skills you can build with actionable steps if you’re willing to try. Because self-esteem and confidence are so closely linked, I often work on building them together in therapy. My approach is action-oriented and focuses on both areas in tandem.
To start, know that confidence is built through making promises to yourself and keeping them. This allows you to build a pool of evidence that you are capable and disciplined. With every promise you keep to yourself, you build self-trust. Start small. Maybe you’ve always wanted to write a book. Set a goal to write for 10 minutes daily for a month. From writing, you can build towards goals in other areas of life, like regular exercise, initiating social plans, or whatever else may be important to you. Overtime, you’ll start to recognize yourself as the kind of person who does what they say they’ll do, and other people will start to recognize this too.
Secondly, I encourage my clients to get out of their comfort zone and do things that scare them. We all hold certain beliefs about ourselves: the things we can and cannot do, the ways in which we are good and bad. These beliefs have been built over a life time, and have been compounded by messages we received in our formative learning environments (parents, teachers, coaches, etc). However, these beliefs or narratives are often untrue. In many cases, they were never true. In other cases, they may have held true at a certain time, within a certain context, but we have outgrown them. The best way to prove that to ourselves is to take risks, and let yourself redefine what you are capable of.
Remember that confidence isn’t never being intimidated or nervous. It’s believing in your ability to do hard things, and having the self-esteem to recognize that your dreams are worth pursuing. So often people put action on hold, waiting for the moment they feel “ready”, but readiness doesn’t just happen. We have to take the action first and the feelings of competence, ability, and confidence catches up to us later. Remember that every expert was once a beginner. Everyone starts at zero.
When you try something new, you’ll either discover a hidden talent and take to it immediately, but more likely than not, you’ll struggle a bit. What we do know for certain is that you’ll learn along the way. With each new attempt comes greater mastery and improvement. And while you might initially fail, you’ll learn that you can pick yourself back up and still be ok, an essential key to resiliency.
If you’re feeling stuck, I like to encourage my clients to visualize how life would be different with more confidence. What would it allow you to do that you’re not currently doing? How would you spend your time? How would you approach obstacles?
Some ideas for inspiration:
Do something alone in public (visit a museum, café, movie)
Try something you might not be good at (art project, group fitness class)
Speak up in a situation where you usually might be quiet (complimenting your barista, contributing an idea at work)
Are you interested in learning more? Reach out to schedule a consultation and we can talk more specifically ways to tailor your own life to build confidence and self-esteem.
